"Truly it is in the darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us." Meister Eckhart

In a half dreaming, half waking state, Peter and I are in the home of a friend. Excited about being away and alone with my husband, I relish being close and affectionate with lots of cuddling in front of the fireplace, or just sharing a cup of coffee on the front porch. But my attempts for intimacy are dismissed with excuses of,”I’m tired”. Through my discontent, I choose to bury and ignore my feelings and transform my disappointment to cheerfully accept and make the best of our time together. He then turns to me, exasperated and says, “I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want you”, and pushes me away.

I hear a crack. Soft and quiet at first and then as my eyes fill with tears that begin to burn, the sound becomes louder. As my chest caves in, at that moment it feels like I’ve been kicked in the center of my being. At this point, I realize the cracking sound was my heart breaking.

I try to catch my breath, but my mouth opens, no words appear and the gulp of air I inhale is locked in my chest. I am flooded with feelings of inadequacy, rejection, sadness, fear of not being loved, embarrassment and stupidity.

How is it possible, I still feel a sense of loyalty? I want to make excuses for what is happening by saying things like, “he’s just tired”. Then the question, a small whisper in my ear, “Tired of what, what is he tired of? How could this happen, I ask, “I was a good wife, wasn’t I?”

Then the floods of memories, like a deluge of water carry me away. All of the signs I saw and ignored, like the excuses he would give me for spending hours of his time consoling a female co-worker who was getting over a breakup and her late night messages on his voicemail; or the look on his face that clearly said, “I wish that were me” when his best friend introduces his new girlfriend (who happens to be 20 years younger). There was also the, “I want to spend time with my friends” while he left me home alone. What about the feelings I had when we were making love, and I looked into his eyes and saw him with someone else. All the signs I saw and ignored, because he said, “he loved me”.

The flood of memories continues to carry me away with thoughts of my mother. Was this what it felt like for her? She was confronted with her reality which came in the form of a phone call from my father’s “then” girlfriend, asking my mother to let him go. My mother who knew nothing but raising her three little girls and being a good wife. Her only job, as was the case with many women of her time, was to cook, clean, run a household and raise and care for their children. My Mom, when crossing over the threshold of our front door, was in unfamiliar territory, only knowing herself as Mrs. So and So. This was her world.

Did her world disappear too? Have you ever felt so worthless and insignificant that you just wanted to disappear? Did it feel like looking at yourself in a mirror and out of the blue a stone is thrown from some unknown place and shatters that mirror into hundreds of pieces and you’re gone. Did the stone really come from a place unknown, from nowhere? Or, were our eyes so glazed over with an illusion of what we thought our lives to be. That bears repeating, thought our lives To Be. To be or not to be, that is truly the question. The answer holds the key that unlocks the Truth and with that Truth, unlimited possibility. A scary place for me, because I did not know where to start and even scarier yet, I did not know what I wanted. And I awake from my dream.

This is my story. My fall from grace may not have been from a very high place, but painful nonetheless. It’s funny how life can change in a moment. So before, during, and after divorce can I transform my life? Well, I never hesitated to use the power of transformation on behalf of someone else. Can I do it again, for me? Do I continue to ignore my feelings? Do I absorb the rejection of another; bury it so deep that I can conveniently forget what’s happened?

Making excuses is very easy, and so is denial. This survival mechanism called, self doubt can create illusions of comfort. Feelings locked away so deep you can deny its existence, you can deny it ever happened, thus making a feeble attempt at protecting yourself from the very thing that has broken your heart, your spirit.

These very questions are what sparked an awakening, a stirring, prompting dis-covering of my Self. You mean I’m worthwhile, I have something of value, and I am valuable? And I decide I won’t take it anymore.

But, he did say he loved me. Is this the way I deserve to be loved? Or am I being manipulated with that word, Love. Will I be expected to stand by my man no matter what the consequences, because he Loves me?

As part of that denial, I closed my heart and denied my Truth. I write this and I cry. Salty tears, tears that cleanse. Just when I thought I had done my purging. It feels good.

The Ancients taught that salt clears away negative energies. Is this why our tears are salty? Then it is good to cry. Clear it away, and clean the slate. Do it as many times as needed and breathe. Breathe from deep within your body. Have you every noticed how a good cry forces you to inhale. Sobbing creates taking in great gulps of air. Breathe and feel alive again. Feel it, and heal it and let it go. Feel sad and say goodbye. Thank it for the lessons of growth, of awareness, of development, and let it go.

The Native Americans have a saying, “The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears.” So after the rain, I dis-cover and un-cover, the kaleidoscope of my colors, my talents, my gifts, my abilities, and most importantly, My Truth.

That is the Truth, which is who I am. I have a palette of ideas. What picture will I paint? What have I been painting? Have I ever been in the picture? Or have I removed myself because I felt I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, thin enough.

What was I thinking? This is a big question. Who is in control of my mind, my emotions, my choices, my actions? I take a deep breath, I open my chest, I open my heart, I open my body, I open my mind. It begins, when I say so.

Deborah Olivo is a Holistic Counselor and Healer and has trained and studied with profound Elders and Shamans of our generation.  Deborah’s training has honed and developed her ability to listen, see and interpret the signals that life sends us.  Deborah has made holistic health her life study, so that she may teach others to be at peace. For appointments call, 404-399-6406.